Bridlemaid, Never A Bride
by Akktri
Summary: The elf hero Link has his sights set on a princess in a faraway castle, but Malon has her heart set on him!
1. Chapter 1: My Hero

I was milking a cow when the hero in green strode into our farm, demanding a horse.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the green pasture grass bright and crisp, even the smell of cattle manure was not without its charm, for there are worse things that offend the nostrils than the digested material of a gentle creature that only chews cud and grain.

I was singing to myself as I pulled udder, as I always did milking Momo, our prizewinning Holstein, dreaming of a day when I could rise from my lowly state and find a nobler station, perhaps an encounter with a valiant knight who bested dragons, but didn't mind a little manure on his boots now and then.

I sang to myself a hero's ballad, the story of Epona, legendary warrior of the north, who slayed creatures of great evil with a whip and trident, all the while wishing my cow could allow herself to get milked outside on such a lovely, beautiful day, as it was, instead of the darkened barn.

The squirrels chattered down a tree outside the window in the straw filled cattle stall, engaging in the wild sorts of lovemaking I could only speculate upon as my hands became more and more udder calloused.

"Excuse me, ma'am."

The voice shocked me so terribly that I dumped the milk and hit my head on the lip of the open stall door.

In rushed the most handsome elf I'd ever laid eyes upon.

Lovely angular features, so characteristic of his race, long blonde hair, and those adorable little pointy ears. His build was slight, but he wore the garb of a hero, a broadsword strapped over his shoulder, and a shield with the crest of Hyrule on it. He wore a tunic well.

"I'm sorry," he stammered as he righted my milk bucket. "I didn't mean-"

"Sorry for what?" I blurted absently.

"Your milk. I surely ruined at least an hour's labor."

I blushed. "It didn't take that long."

Actually, it took longer, but I wanted to make a good impression.

I offered my hand, but I was so shy that by the time a syllable came out, he was already moving on to the next subject.

"I wonder if you can help me. You see, the Princess Zelda has been captured, and I would like to borrow _a certain mare_ I see standing in this barn..."

For a brief moment, I had the bizarre fancy that he spoke about me. My heart pounded with excitement. "And what would you be doing with... _this mare?_ "

" _Riding it,_ of course."

I think we did not share the same picture of... _what he meant_. " _Riding!_ Well! I-"

"Hello, young man!" my father called from the doorway. "Is there something I can help you with?"

"Yes," the tall stranger said. "I would like to borrow your horse."

My stomach sank. I blushed furiously now, out of embarrassment.

"Epona?" I said. "You want _her?_ "

The stranger nodded.

"I see you've met Malon, my daughter," dad said.

"Link," the boy replied.

I whispered the name to myself like an incantation.

"Talon." Dad shook his hand.

"About the horse..."

"Well. Epona's the family mare. She's been around with us for a long time. We'd hate to lose her."

"I'd only be borrowing her," Link said. "I seek to rescue the Princess Zelda from the clutches of a foul fiend."

Father took a deep breath. "I seek 300 rupees for it, and the additional task of rounding up all my goats into this barn."

Father and I gasped as Link reached into his belt pouch, handing over the required sum. Rarely did we see this amount of wealth all at once.

"I gathered this while fighting a giant octopus in a dungeon."

I blushed anew at the unintended meanings.

"I expect to pay you a hundred more once the princess is rescued from the evil one's clutches."

Dad laughed. "Yes indeed, Mr. Link! Let's see how you handle our favorite horse!"

He was amazing. Father set up an hourglass and told Link to bring the horned brutes into the barn within the space of six minutes, and the boy did what was asked after only three tries.

I confess I spent more than a few of those minutes admiring his well muscled legs, bare beneath his tunic, secretly wishing him to fail a third and fourth time, so I could get another peek.

"I must have wanted you to fail," father said as he put away the hourglass. "Epona will be sorely missed."

"Epona..." Link said. "Like the hero?"

Dad nodded. " _The same._ In fact, Malon here has taught her to come whenever she sings the hero's ballad. I've had to steer her away from _taverns_ a few times. _The horse,_ I mean."

He and Link had a good laugh at this.

I wanted to ask if Link went to any taverns, and if he liked a girl who... _kept gravitating toward them_. I really don't, but for him I would have considered it.

The two shook hands. "It's been very nice to meet you...Mister..."

"Bridlemaid," he said.

I cringed. That name was so embarrassing. When I went to school, the other kids would often tease me about my name. "Bridlemaid but never a bride" they'd say, or "Looks like someone needs a Bridlemaid" when I spoke out of turn.

Link tipped his hat to me and mounted my horse, riding off into the sunset.

I cried.

Dad, misunderstanding the situation, set me down on a tree stump, put a hand on my back, and said, "Malon, dear, there will be other horses."

This made me cry louder.

"I miss her too, girl, but you need to be a grown woman about this. It's just a horse!"

"I'm not crying about the horse, daddy," I whimpered.

He recoiled somewhat about this. "Then...what were you crying about?"

Not wanting to delve into my pitiful excuse for a social life, I glanced back at the barn and said, " _Spilled milk_."

But when he looked in my eyes, he seemed to know.

Rubbing my shoulders, he muttered, " _I'm sure one day you'll be able to find milk that is just as good._ "

I blushed. "But what if I mess things up again, like I did this time? I'm so shy!"

"Shy or not, the right cow will respond to your touch, if you really try."

"I don't want a cow, father, I want a _stallion._ "

Father laughed. " _That boy was no stallion!_ "

I returned to my chores. Another humdrum day in my boring humdrum existence.

I milked, I hayed, watered, weeded, helped father plow with the plug horse, seeded, then helped him peddle milk at the market for the rest of the night. I fell into bed exhausted, leaving the window open. I didn't even trim my lamp.

My bedroom was tiny. In the summer months I pushed the bed toward the window to feel the cooler air. This night it worked to my disadvantage.

At first, I had the most exciting dream. The boy entered my bedroom window and whisked me off to a dungeon, where he ravished me with his mouth.

His mouth plunged into my blouse, dampened it, then moved down, down, nosing between my legs, exploring my secret recesses.

He whinnied loudly, threatening to wake up everyone in the house, which just so happened to be above the dungeon.

My head hit the headboard, and I awoke at once, rubbing my head, feeling moist all over.

When I saw the big dark shape in the moonlight, I suppressed a scream.

The big thing whiffled at me, snorted, then stomped.

I put the lamp on, and saw it was the horse.

"Epona!" I cried. "You're back!"

The horse nodded, its eyes looking wild and urgent.

" _Why_ are you back? What happened to _the boy_?" Look at me, too shy to even let his name pass my lips!

The horse jerked its head to one side, stomped its hooves, neighed.

"Can you take me to him?"

The horse nodded.

I didn't think, I just climbed on her neck and let her take me away.


	2. Chapter 2: Rescue

I used to pretend I was riding a unicorn when I sat on Epona's back.

I broke a _very sensitive part of my female anatomy_ on her.

In other words, we have a _very special connection_ , so I was glad to be with her again.

Especially now, on this secret little late night ride, one that may lead me to another `first.'

As Epona rode hurriedly through the darkened forest, down the road from my farm, I fantasized about where this little trip would take me.

A mansion, at the other end of Hyrule, purchased with treasures my hero stole from monsters in the depths of spooky dungeons.

Epona rides up to the front door, I knock, and Link answers it without a stitch of clothing on.

He ravishes me, stripping me of my garments, then leads me up a grand spiral staircase, to one of several bedrooms, where he ravishes me again.

Owls hooted from the tree branches overhead. Vampire bats flitted by, nipping at me as they flew into the shadows. Our chicken pens were triple reinforced to protect them from such foes, but as a human, I had to take my chances.

My pulse quickened as I saw Epona indeed riding to the end of our dusty village, out into the broad field of Hyrule.

The moon rose bright and full over the fields. As we galloped across the open stretches of grass, no doubt knee high and full of chiggers and dangerous monsters, canine skeletons rose out of the dirt to attack us, but Epona stomped them with her hooves.

In the distance, I could see floating `spook lights' among the hills.

I shuddered, remembering countless campfire stories I'd heard about the hapless travelers who followed these to their doom.

I screamed when a glowing orb flitted onto my shoulder and pinched me.

"Hey!" cried a little voice that sounded like a ringing bell. "Hey you!"

"My name is Malon," I said. "Who or what are you?"

"I'm Navi," it said. "Listen! Link's in trouble! You have to rescue him!"

The love of my life, captured by the enemy! If I rescued him, he'd be sure to swoon for me!...Wouldn't he?

Now my heart was really pounding. "It would be my absolute pleasure!...Where is he?"

The glowing orb flew ahead, and my horse followed.

Or should I say _Link and Malon's_ horse?

We soon arrived at Hyrule castle, which would have been nice and pretty to look at, had some evil force not made it all dark and spooky and put a glowing barrier around everything but the front entrance. Search lights shined down from the upper towers, on a constant search for sneaky trespassers.

The drawbridge had been lowered, guarded by a pair of warthog faced monsters. The moment I saw them with their spears and lanterns, I backed down the hill, dismounting Epona.

Before leaving the ranch, Link had purchased Epona's saddle, and father had given him a cheese wheel as a parting gift, which Link had stuffed inside the bag. The saddle now lay on the ground next to a nearby tree, along with a frayed piece of rope. Link must have tied her there while he went into the castle, not realizing the horse had a bad habit of freeing herself.

I put the saddle back on the horse, mounted Epona once more, and rode the other way.

"Hey!" Navi shouted. "Where are you going!"

I glanced back to see if she'd been heard. Nothing.

"I have no weapons or tools," I said. "I need to go somewhere to stock up. And plan."

I rode into South Castle Town.

Castle Town had become a ghost town. The buildings had been ransacked, some set on fire, the doors kicked in, the gates smashed, the people apparently fleeing for their lives. More of those pig goblins marched up and down the cobbled streets, or proudly rode large warthog beasts through the city, carrying away the things they had stolen, or getting drunk and generally making themselves a nuisance.

Mr. Hencoop, my family's biggest competitor, lived at the end of town. Every year at the Spring Harvest Festival, we set up booths near each other, fighting tooth and nail for a sale from each customer that passed by.

The man still owes us a whole can of milk from the time his cow died five springs ago.

I figured this was worth two of his fat hens. At least.

In the town square, a giant red dragon lapped up water from the big fountain, steam pouring out its nostrils.

When I saw it, I dismounted Epona and crept by it in a hurry, to avoid detection. The creature whirled its head and sniffed as I ran past it, down the dirt trail that led to Clucker's Ranch.

I shivered, hoping it wouldn't follow.

Mr. Hencoop wasn't a friendly sort when he wasn't selling. Neither was he particularly brave. This was why I wasn't particularly surprised to see his shutters closed, all of his lights extinguished, but little property damage.

The chicken coops lay close to the house, which made it a little hard for me to sneak around undetected, but I stayed close to the ground, baiting the hens to the gate with seed.

I have a way with animals, especially chickens. I got them to nuzzle against my chest, to the point where they allowed me to carry them into town without making much of a noise.

It helped to have pocketfuls of seed.

Not wanting to face the dragon, I crept around the town.

When Epona clopped out in front of me, I fell over and dropped the chickens.

It was tricky, but I regathered them, then, when I noticed Epona still wore the saddle, I patted her on the neck. "Good girl."

Obviously, it would be difficult for me to ride with the hens, so I decided to merely go on foot to the castle and hope the horse followed me.

She did.

"That was an unnecessary detour," Navi said to me as I scurried along.

"That just shows you how little you know," I said.

The pig goblins did not notice me when I approached the drawbridge, despite me carrying a bird with brilliant white plumage, and an equally eye catching red and black one. The torches and searchlights were as bright as the moon, but they didn't notice me sneaking along the moat. The great portcullis had been raised, as if daring people to intrude.

The moment one of the guards turned their back, I plucked the white one's feathers and threw it onto the bridge, throwing a handful of seed to keep the bird from flying in the wrong direction.

"Hortense!" I cried, throwing a second hen. "You get back here!"

"Hey!" a goblin shouted as I chased the white hen. "You can't come in here!"

"Sorry!" I pretended to reach for the bird, but instead kicked it in the butt, encouraging it to flee to the end of the bridge, through the gate.

The guards tried to block me with their spears, but I kept ducking out of the way, shouting for "Henrietta" and "Hortense"

I've only been in the royal palace once in my life, and only to the antechamber past the main gate, to accept a farming trophy when Father got sick one year.

The antechamber had been remodeled. The marble statues of goddesses that stood in the corners of the room had been decapitated, their heads replaced by crudely fashioned pig or demon heads made of rock, some painted, some chiseled in a sloppy fashion. The banners bearing the triangular symbol of Hyrule had also been replaced by long black ones with occult symbols on them.

Hyrule palace was very old. The limestone walls were cracked and sweated with age and weather. As with any castle, the temperature rarely exceeded 70, but I had my thoughts of rescues and nibbling elfin ears to keep me flushed with warmth.

"Link!" I cried as I `chased' my chickens. "Link! Where are you!"

No answer.

I took a left, booting the black hen down a torchlit passage I'd never been allowed through before. I'm guessing it was pretty fantastic, with suits of armor, framed pictures and expensive vases, but someone had come through and broken everything, slashing the paintings, and generally making the place a mess.

A loud whistle behind me told me that the guards had alerted someone. I gave up the pretense of chicken chasing and broke into a run.

I had only gone about five yards down the corridor when a troop of pig goblins rushed out of a connecting hallway.

I glanced back and saw my hens were both gone, probably in the hands of some other goblins. The two guards from the drawbridge rushed to stop me from leaving. I probably could have found my way past the latter, and run back outside, but the thought of Link's undying gratitude, and the thought of gnawing on his pointy ears fortified my courage.

Clearing my throat, I said, "Have any one of you seen my boyfriend? His name is _Link._ He wears _green_ , he has these _cute pointy ears_ , and I last saw him coming into this place. If you can show me where he is, I promise he won't bother you again. We'll _go_ , and not come back. You can keep your princess. I'll _convince him_ to let you."

The goblins laughed at this.

"We can't see in color," said a beast with dark olive skin.

"Regardless, I remember the elf," said the one at the lead. "He's in the dungeon. I'd love to take you to meet him."

My heart threatened to pound of of my chest with excitement. " _You will?_ "

But then, fearing they would think I enjoyed the idea too much, I changed my tone. " _Oh no!_ "

They took some manacles out, but put them away when I eagerly stretched out my hands.

A pair of these creatures, a fat one and a well built clean looking one with spots, began to argue with each other in their own tongue.

As a market girl, I had to absorb several languages of the realm in order to make a sale, and they spoke the tongue of the South Gerudan desert.

"The whole reason he's in the dungeon to begin with is Gannon," said Spots. "The fool keeps meddling with his business and trying to steal the princess away from him. This farm girl is exactly what he needs."

I tried very hard not to grin.

"Yes, Megdok, but we can't send a message that you can just prance into His Majesty's palace with a couple chickens and leave unpunished," said the fat one.

"So we'll _eat_ the chickens. Barrog, the point is, she's volunteering to remove him from the premises. Mister Gannon won't care if he's gone. His problem has always been the brat's meddling interference."

"How do we know we can trust her?" Barrog asked.

"She's unarmed. We're not going to give the guy's weapons back, except maybe his shield, so we've got nothing to worry about."

Pretending not to understand, I spoke to them in English. "You can shackle me up. _If it's next to my sweetheart, I really won't mind_. In fact, you can pretend like I'm your prisoner, and lock me up with him for awhile. I'm sure I'll be able to convince him to leave, _without that silly sword he's always carrying around..._ "

The monsters looked at each other uncomfortably for a moment. "How do you want us to... _stage your release?_ " Megdok asked.

I smiled. "You don't actually have to lock my shackles. Just pretend like you're doing it. He'll leave peacefully. _With_ _me_. Just rough him up a little to make it look like an escape."

And then I was led through a vast portico overlooking the palace gardens.

The goblins led me down the corridor they had originally marched from, past the great banquet hall (also a mess), to a darkened corridor that looked a little more run down than the rest of the palace.

Near the dungeon area, the walls took on an ugly greenish cast. These places, as a rule, were not meant for the public to see, so not as much care had been given to their upkeep. I reflected it could use a woman's touch, but I did not run away from home in the middle of the night for maid duty.

As the creatures led me down the crumbling rock stairs, I could see the contents of the prison cells, some of the more loyal palace guards and officials, members of the royal family, other foolish adventurers.

They called to me, but then called to the guards for food and water when they realized I was a prisoner. It made me a little guilty for coming down into the depths of this gaol for such selfish reasons, but I decided that if their reasons for imprisonment were anything like Link's, they probably had themselves to blame. So what if some not-so-good monarch has taken over the throne? There have been evil tyrants before. History is full of them.

My breathing shallowed as the guards unlocked the cell containing the handsome elf in green.

"No!" I cried. "Unhand me, you brutes!"

Megdok hesitated. "I thought you wanted-"

I hit him with my elbow. " _What ever are you going to do with us_ _in this terrible dark cell?_ "

"Uh...something diabolical," the goblin muttered as he dragged me toward the lean but strong looking prisoner. "Here. I'll, uh... _chain you next to your boyfriend_ , so you can... _stay here_ , and... _think twice about sneaking into Mister Gannon's palace._ "

I blushed at these words, spoken so loudly in the presence of my crush. Suddenly the dungeon didn't feel cold at all.

The goblin jangled his keys dramatically and clamped the metal cuffs around my wrists, but the locking mechanism wasn't engaged.

I could see his eyes rolling.

"It's _Hyrule palace!_ " Link shouted angrily. "And she's not my girlfriend!"

I whimpered with the pain of heartbreak, but held it together. I could _change him_. I knew I could. He just had to open his eyes and see me.

The goblin chuckled. "Now, now. This young lady thinks so much of you that she snuck into our palace to rescue your bony butt from this little dungeon! Didn't you, sweetkins?"

I reddened, but nodded in response. "Um hum!"

With a hearty guffaw, the pig creature pulled the door closed, jangling his keys, again for drama.

So there I was, posing like my arms were actually held fast to the grimy stone wall.

"So..." I said conversationally. "How'd _you_ end up here?"

* * *

Author's note: I hand wrote the section about the looting of Hyrule Castle Town a month before a thief kicked in the front door to my apartment and stole my Gamecube, which contained _Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_. As I'm typing this, the irony is painful.


	3. Chapter 3: Alone Time

Link stared at me in shock. "What are _you_ doing here?"

I smiled at the handsome elf as I pretended to be trapped in the loosely closed shackles, admired his lean but muscular body, gazed into his eyes. "I came to rescue you."

"You shouldn't have come. It's not safe."

"I can't help it," I said with a shrug. _"I go where my heart leads me._ So...how _did_ you end up in this dungeon?"

Link sagged in his chains. "I was trying to rescue Princess Zelda." He sighed. "I knew there was an army in the castle, but I thought I could sneak past them. I hid under a barrel, sneaking past a few at the front gate, but they must have noticed me. When they pulled the barrel off me, I drew my sword and ran.

"I killed a few of those soldiers, but there was just too many of them. I turned down the wrong corridor and found a dozen monsters aiming arrows at me. I just knew that if they fired, I wouldn't be able to block them all.

"The ones that had been chasing me caught me from behind, taking my sword and my shield. That's how I ended up here."

 _"How wonderfully chivalrous,"_ I breathed, imagining what it must be like to be the damsel in need of rescue.

 _"You mean how wonderfully foolish,"_ he groaned. "I should have had a better plan."

 _"Maybe it's fate,"_ I said. "Maybe we were meant to end up here together."

He looked at me like I were crazy. "What makes you say that?"

 _"Well..."_ I cleared my throat. _"I am not currently betrothed_...and since I have not heard of you being (ahem) part of the royal family, I can only assume you are not either...am I wrong?"

I breathlessly waited for the answer, wondering if he were going to tell me that he had another girl on the side, someone who was not a princess. I admit it was a bit silly of me to presume that he was all the way single.

The elf swallowed. "I...no, _you're not wrong_...but-"

With my heart pounding in my ears, I blurted, "Then maybe this chance meeting is divinely ordained! _You are a very handsome elf,_ _and I doubt a stuck up snob like the princess would give you the time of day, no matter how many dragons or giant spider you destroy for her!_ "

The elf's face turned a bright red. " _You don't know what you're talking about_! I've saved Zelda's life more times than I can count! She obviously knows that I care for her!"

I felt like I'd been slapped, but I didn't let that stop me. " _So you're her bodyguard_. It doesn't mean that she'll ever marry you."

"And what do you know about it!" he snapped. "You're just a milkmaid!"

Those words hurt me so much that I burst into tears.

"I'm sorry," he stammered. "Please don't cry...I...I didn't mean to yell at you, it's just..." he faltered.

"You're right," I sobbed. "I'm just a milkmaid. I'm a nobody. Just a dumb little cornpone who's going to grow up to be a lonely old maid...I'll never get to be anything as smart or talented or wonderful as your princess."

"That's not true!" he protested. "I'm sure you're lovely and smart and everything you say. You shouldn't give up on yourself. Who knows? Maybe you'll find yourself a knight or a brave fighter or someone else who's right for you, if you just know where to look."

But I thought to myself, _I already have._ "You really think so?"

He nodded. "You're a very bold, nice looking girl. I'm sure there's _someone_ out there that's right for you."

Mentally, I replied, I'm sure there's someone _in here_ that's right for me.

I sniffed, wiped my eyes on the shoulder of my gown. "Did she ever kiss you?" I said in a croaking voice.

He blushed. "There's...been a few times, you know, because I saved her life and all."

"On the lips?"

He turned scarlet. " _I don't see why I have to tell you that._ "

I fought down a grin. "That sounds like no to me."

Looking flustered, he said, " _I wouldn't say that!_ It's just _personal_ , that's all! It's not really any of your business!"

I cried again, but this time it was an act... _mostly_. I now had his rejection to draw the necessary emotion from.

"Oh please don't do that!" he groaned. "I hate it when you cry. Like I said, you're a very nice girl. If my heart wasn't pledged to the princess, I might even..." he shook his head. "Would it help if I found a single man for you?"

I laughed.

"There," he said with a grin. "I like you better when you're not crying. Cheer up. _I know some people_. Whenever we get out of here, I promise I'll match you up with one of them."

"That's very kind of you."

We hung in our chains, silently gazing at each other. When he noticed how intensely amorous my expression had become, he became uncomfortable and looked away.

"So Zelda _did_ kiss you on the lips."

"Yes," he admitted.

"Has she ever done more than that?"

The blush returned to his face. "That's none of your-"

The `no' in his voice couldn't get any louder. I wanted to open my shackles and dance around the cell. I really had to fight to keep my facial expression neutral. "I'm sorry. You're right. That _was_ a little personal...have you two gone on any dates? _A coach ride_ , perhaps?"

He sighed through his nose. "I got invited to dinner a few times. _Banquets_. We walked in the royal flower garden together, hung out at the palace. I've even been in her bedroom...Of course, I was a dog at the time..."

I suddenly felt cold. "What do you mean, _`You were a dog?'_ "

He flushed with embarrassment. "A...magical creature literally turned me into a canine. You know, four legs and a tail."

I laughed. "Seriously?"

He didn't share my mirth. "Yes. Seriously. It's not a metaphor for being a lecherous person, if that's what you thought."

I grinned as I thought about him as a dog. I wouldn't have minded him in _my_ bedroom. Or his puppies. "Did you get to keep your green outfit?"

"Uh...sort of. The creature kept my clothes for me until I changed back."

"The princess never caught you...changing?"

"Well," he stammered. "Not really, but she knew it was me."

He kept glancing at the cell door, and his restraints. A pity, because I was giving him my full and undivided attention. "We should try to get out of here."

"Yes," I said with much reluctance. " _But how?_ "

He gazed at me. I thought he had finally given in and embraced the love that stared him right in the face, but he instead told me, " _You have a hairpin on your head._ "

I frowned, acting like I had never known such an obvious fact. "I do?"

"Yes. If you can get it out of your hair somehow, maybe you can pick your cuffs open."

Fake gasp. " _Why, that's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that before!_ "

He shushed me, urging me to get the hairpin.

I made an elaborate show of attempting to remove the pin with my hands chained, then `accidentally' dropping it on the floor. " _Oh no!_ " I cried with pretend horror. "Now what will we do?"

I turned my head away to hide my grin.

"You're barefoot," he said. "Pick it up with your toes."

More play acting. I had him where I wanted him, so I wanted to delay our leaving as long as I could. I fake fumbled the pin with my toes. "What do you like most about her?... _Your princess?_ "

"She's beautiful," he said. "She has a melodious voice, an intoxicating perfume, and when she laughs, it sounds like a chipmunk. It's very cute."

Another icepick through my heart. She's an annoying snob, I thought. And she doesn't know what a good thing she has. "When did you first meet?"

The elf looked annoyed. "Clutch the pin between your toes. I think if you lean down, you might be able to bring it to your mouth."

I did what he asked, but made sure to wiggle provocatively for his benefit. "Like this?"

He nodded. "Now this is going to be tricky...You're going to need to pick the lock."

I pretended to try and fail to pick the shackle, dropping the pin again.

"I really should have asked you to hand the pin to me," Link groaned.

As much as I wanted him to touch me, I couldn't let him discover my ruse. I twiddled the pin in my toes again. "No, no, I think I almost got it."

"Hurry!" he cried in exasperation. "The princess is in danger!"

Ugh, always with the princess!

Fine, fine, I thought. Jeez, you are _so_ impatient!

I fake lockpicked my manacles open, looking appropriately astonished when my hands were free. _"Wow! I did it!_ "

"Great!" he groaned. "Now do me."

I felt warmth rising in my cheeks. "Oh! _You mean your shackles!_ Of course! (Ahem) _Right away!_ "

I `undid' my already unlocked fetters, then approached... _him_.

The moment I touched the pin to his shackles, I remembered how the Moblins had left the cell unlocked, and how bad it would look for me. I backed away quickly. "Wait. Maybe I can... _pick the cell door and come back with the key!_ "

He rolled his eyes. "You sure? You seemed to have a lot of trouble with lock picking!"

I blushed furiously, breaking into a sweat. _"I think I got it now._ "

 _"It could be dangerous,"_ he said. "Why don't you give me the pin? I'm sure I can-"

"I said I got it!"

"Fine!" he snapped. "Hurry!"

And so I `picked' the cell door and darted out into the prison.

One of the guards, Megdok, was seated at a table nearby, pretending to sleep off the effects of a bottle of wine.

When I came closer, I whispered to him, "Where's the keys?"

The pig monster smirked, fake snoring as he `inadvertently' dropped his keys on the floor.

I ran back to the elf. "The guard's asleep!" I hissed as I jangled the keys. "We should sneak past him and get away while we can!"

I freed him, and we tiptoed through the dungeon, past a row of empty cells.

The guard snored extra loudly as we came closer, giving me a thumbs up when Link wasn't looking.

When Link turned his back, I silently pointed to the keys, asking the Moblin, without words, if he wanted his keys back. He nodded me over to the table.

His eye made a forward roll, directing me.

He sat up, acting like he'd been roused from slumber. "Hey!"

The Moblin's rough green hands snatched the keys away.

"Run!" I cried.

The other prisoners hollered and made noise like a bunch of monkeys, some begging to be released. I felt a little guilty about not helping them, but again I didn't know the particulars of their imprisonment. They could have been drunk and disorderly, trying to pick a fight with `palace staff', or worse, attempting to rescue the princess.

"The keys!" Link shouted.

"It's too late!"

We ran up the stairs, rushing into the corridor above.

I turned right, dashing toward the front entrance.

"Wait," said Link. "My sword and shield!"

"You can buy new ones!" I said as I kept running. "Let's get out of here!"

He scowled. "Those items were _magical_! No store in all of Hyrule sells anything like them! Without them, I don't have a prayer of saving Zelda!"

I sighed, stopping in my tracks. "Look, can't we go _back to town_ _and rest for a bit_ _first?_ Maybe _gather together some weapons_ and _come back a little more prepared?_ "

He stared at me for a minute. At last he said, "You're right. This is no place for a lady. Let me take you back to someplace safe."

My heart skipped a beat as he said this. _"Anywhere,"_ I breathed.

We faced little difficulty getting out of the place. Here and there a Moblin would shout, maybe punch Link or grab me in a dramatic way, but it was all for show. The friends of the Moblin guards he killed, I guess, had not come back for revenge. We crossed the drawbridge, returning to the relative safety of the countryside.

Upon seeing us on the move, Epona neighed and rushed up to us, whiffling as she rubbed her nose against me and the elf. "My Epona couldn't have a better owner," I giggled.

"Yeah," he said. "She's a good mare."

For some time, I had been fantasizing about riding bareback with Link. Whether I sat in front or in back of him, I figured I'd enjoy it, either way. The reality, however, was a little more awkward than romantic.

He made me sit behind him, and resisted my touch. He didn't say anything about it, but I noticed that when my hands slid to certain parts of his body, he'd move them back to his stomach, or under his armpits.

After awhile of this, he eventually stopped fighting, allowing me to rest my hand on his thigh, and my head on his shoulders, but just as I was getting to enjoy myself, we arrived at my farm.

He dropped me off at the front gate and galloped away, leaving me in a cloud of dust.

He hadn't even paused for a romantic goodbye.


	4. Chapter 4: Zelda

I cried when I saw my hero riding off into the distance.

Upon regaining my composure, I looked back at the house, considered going back to bed. I'd failed at my mission, after all.

"No," I told myself. "Lonlon, you won't get another chance at this."

I would have to go after him again.

Remembering the trouble I had with various night creatures, even while riding on horseback, I picked up the handle to a broken butter churn to use as a club, a washboard as a shield, and a lantern, setting off in the dark.

It was hard going on foot. I had my shoes on now, but there were biting insects, man eating plants, and zombie animals leaping out of the forest to attack me.

Unlike Zelda, I'm no wimpy damsel. I can take care of myself. The fighting took time, but I soon made it to the middle of Hyrule Field, still brightly lit by the full moon.

A small glowing object rushed up to meet me.

"Hey!" it yelled. "It's too dangerous! Go back home!"

"Did Link put you up to this?" I said.

The glowing orb stopped in midair. "Maybe. Why does it matter?"

"Because I love him, and I'm not going to stay home and let some princess take him."

"Hurrrk?" the fairy cried. I think I short circuited the poor thing's brain.

At last it said, "He's mine! You can't have him!"

I glared at the creature. "You little pest! You're only an inch tall! How can you possibly fulfill each other to the point of mutual satisfaction?"

She responded by biting me.

"Give it up, microbe!" I shouted as I swatted at her like a fly. "You're not big enough!"

"I'll find a way to make myself larger! You'll see! Once I find the right transformational magic-!"

I grabbed her, shoving her into my bra. She bit me, of course, but my dress didn't have any pockets. When I tied my top all the way, she was stuck in there. "Bite all you want, you little insect," I growled. "Link is mine!"

I fought my way across the field, knocking aside skeleton wolves and ghostly lantern holders, approaching the drawbridge to the castle.

Epona had been tied to a tree once again, indicating that Link had once more entered the castle in search of weapons, and the princess.

"He's going to get captured again, I just know it."

The fairy mumbled something through my dress.

Hearing hoofbeats, and the rumbling of carriage wheels on rocky soil, I turned around and saw a fancy black horse drawn cab driving up to the castle. I quickly darted behind a bush.

As the carriage drew closer, a company of Moblins marched across the drawbridge to meet it.

The cab came open, and out stepped a green faced humanoid figure in the garb of a prince.

He had horns and glowing red eyes, but had a strangely handsome appearance.

"Ganondorf!" a female voice called from the crowd on the drawbridge.

The company of Moblins parted, and a narrow female elf in a royal gown and circlet came running out to the carriage.

 _"Princess,"_ the dark, evil looking character said.

And then something startling happened.

At first, I thought this was a true damsel in distress situation, for Ganondorf forcefully grabbed the princess, pulling her close to his body, but then I noticed she made no effort to fight back. In fact, _she yielded willingly_.

Instead of a sharp rebuke, I heard her cry, "You were gone a long time. It's been lonely."

"My apologies," Ganondorf said. "It was unavoidable."

She grabbed him around the neck, kissing him on the mouth.

Ganondorf kissed back, his clawed hands possessively gathering the folds of her gown. She, in turn, caressed his muscular body.

He pulled his mouth away. "Wait. Where is your _dashing hero?_ "

Zelda laughed. "I wouldn't worry about him. He's still wandering the castle, looking around for his weapons."

Ganondorf smiled. _"So we're alone._ "

"Yes, my love."

The whole incident so startled me that I didn't notice the fairy wiggling out of my sleeves. "Breathe a word of any of this to Link and I'll kill you."

"Why? Wouldn't that ensure a place for you in his heart?"

The orb shook its body, indicating no. "Not until Link has found me the fairy enlargement or hero shrinking spell that I seek..."

"I wouldn't hold my breath," I said, emerging from the bushes.

"Wait! Where are you going!" the creature cried.

"Don't worry!" I called. " _I'm not going to tell Link a thing!_ "

Ganondorf and Zelda were climbing aboard the cab, discussing a trip to the royal beach house, but I ran up beside them as they were shutting the door and yelled, "Wait!"

Ganondorf's eyes flashed like fire as he glanced at me, then at Zelda. "I thought you said we were alone!"

"I thought we were!" She frowned at me. "She's a nobody. Just call for the guards."

Her companion raised his claw, opening his mouth to do just that, but I stopped him. "Wait. Hear me out. I have a proposition for you."

" _Why should I listen to you,_ farm girl?" he sneered.

"I couldn't help but overhear that _you wanted to get rid of Link."_

Gannon furrowed his brow. "I'm listening."

Swallowing, I said, " _I'd be more than happy to take him off your hands. I just need a little teensy favor..._

"Ganondorf grants no favors!" the male yelled. "Guards!"

"Wait, love," Zelda scolded. " _She's piqued my interest._ "

Looking me in the eyes, the elf princess crossed her arms and said, " _This had better be good._ "


End file.
